Venerable newscaster Norm Archer reports the latest news in politics, health, culture and entertainment – such as an automotive recall of decapitation-inducing “Neckbelts” and a study finding that “depression hits losers hardest”. This compilation of bogus news stories, celebrity profiles, movie trailers and skits come courtesy of the ace satirists at The Onion.

An “adults only” retelling of the legend of the Three Musketeers.

Special ops interrogation officer Jimmy Vickers (Danny Dyer) tracks down a gang who slaughtered his parents while at the same time avoiding being tracked down by his old unit and the cops. With police closing in and his old unit on his trail, he has to evade capture long enough to complete his gruesome crusade.

When a blood sacrifice opens a portal to Hell, Ebee is returned to Earth where Lucy Furr, the new proprietor of her weed shop, has some sinister plans of her own.

Instead of flying to Florida with his folks, Kevin ends up alone in New York, where he gets a hotel room with his dad’s credit card—despite problems from a clerk and meddling bellboy. But when Kevin runs into his old nemeses, the Wet Bandits, he’s determined to foil their plans to rob a toy store on Christmas eve.

In the year 2455, Old Earth is now a contaminated planet abandoned for centuries — a brown world of violent storms, toxic landmasses and poisonous seas. Yet humans have returned to the deadly place that they once fled, not to live, but to research the ancient, rusting artifacts of the long-gone civilizations. But it’s not the harmful environment that could prove fatal to the intrepid, young explorers who have just landed on Old Earth. For them, it’s Friday the 13th, and Jason lives!

Adam Harris, a semi-lame senior, is head over heels in love with Cara. Unfortunately she is the most popular girl in school. On the one day of the year that he could actually have a chance, senior skip day, he screws it all up by accidentally slipping the location of the party to his principal. But have no fear, in a last resort effort he moves the party to his house and all seems

A Shakespearean actor takes poetic revenge on the critics who denied him recognition.

A documentary crew follows an elite unit of soldiers in the wake of an alien invasion.

On a dig in the remote Jordanian desert, maverick archaeologist Victoria Carter (Anna Friel) discovers an ancient scroll buried in the ruins of an old temple. It is encrypted with the location of the long lost Seal of Solomon, which, according to legend, was given to King Solomon by God himself. But this mighty treasure is also being sought by, amongst others, Victoria’s estranged father, renowned archaeologist Teddy Carter, who’s soon hot on its trail.

In this version of the Snow White tale, the evil queen alonside her wise-cracking magic mirror eliminate anyone who is fairer than she.

A schoolteacher arrives in town with the map to a gold mine. The lesbian dance-hall owner schemes to steal the map.